I had such big plans of keeping up on this blog with more regularity. "I'll have all this time on my hands and this will be a good way to fill it," I thought. But it is surprising how quickly my time here in Rochester can slip away; and I guess that is a good thing. I'm down to five more "zaps"; only two more days after today. Yeah!
Yesterday I had the chance to go down to school for our Thanksgiving meal with the students. God, it felt so good to be back! I was overwhelmed by the reception and by the students who were so concerned with how I am doing and when I am coming back. I have never taken a leave like this, and I suppose that somewhere, deep down, I was a little afraid that they would forget me. Any fears I may have had were certainly put to rest. The smiles, hugs, and well wishes were some seriously good medicine.
One of the things that kind of hit me yesterday was a realization about what I am thankful for. The students and staff did a video about what they are thankful for, and then went around and asked if anyone had anything to add. I had forgotten to get my video clip to the school to add to the main video, but I had been thinking about what I would say. Of course I am thankful for my family, my home, my incredible care team at Mayo, and so many other tangible things. However, what came out was that I am thankful for this experience, this "Cancer Journey." I hate that term, "journey". It sounds like something you would sign up for at a travel agent. "Join us on our journey to the Swiss Alps, or the South Pacific, etc. I like to think of it more as an "adventure", or and "odyssey", but whatever.
At quartet practice the other night, my friend, Bob, was talking about his coy fish, and how they will only grow as big as the tank they are in. and I feel like the same principle applies to us. I believe that as we go through our lives, our view of the world tends to become focused, or narrowed, by the things we regularly do, the people we regularly interact with, and the places we regularly go. That's why vacations are so memorable. They take us out of our "bowl" and we have to look at things as a tourist, or an outsider. We let our guard down and try new things. We may interact differently because we are freed of the expectations that have been placed upon us in our small circle at home. In this environment we are open to so much more, and we allow ourselves to truly experience life. We relax, recharge, and, I believe, we really grow.
Keep in mind, all of that growth is done with the expectation that, at the end of the vacation, we can go back to the safety of our "bowl". While cancer is no vacation, it is certainly a huge step outside of my bowl. It also comes with the realization that my bowl may never be the same again, that I cannot leave this stuff outside. From a physical standpoint, that sucks. But from an emotional and growth perspective, it is priceless. To say that I am thankful for cancer sounds ludicrous, but when I consider the perspective it has afforded me on life, I cannot argue with it. . It has made me do and say things that I would have put off for later days, that mat have never come. It has brought me into contact with some incredible people whose insights and strength have made me grow as a person. And it has helped me to see new sides of my family, friends, coworkers, students, and community members that I would never have seen, if not for cancer.
I know that I can never go back into my old bowl, This experience has changed me too much, and I have grown far too big for that now. (no fat jokes needed) So, for that, I am truly thankful this Thanksgiving.
D
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